About
One of the things I was not prepared for as an At Home Dad was the feeling of isolation. I have no problems talking with anyone, but what do you do when you only have a child to talk to. When my second child was born I began the journey as a Work At Home Dad. My schedule took some time to get organized and I had wonderful plans of play dates, journeys to the park with neighbors and so much other organized activity. What I did not realize was that I had some terrible disfigurement and I scared the local Moms away. If I did not make it a point to go to the park when others did my son would have never seen another child. After a few months it became clear that many of the moms ignored me and the Dads thought I was lazy. Even though I WORK from home I would get the comments like “Mr. Mom”, “Work From Home? Yeah OK” and so on. By the time the weather turned cold my only adult contact became 5 minutes at the preschool with my older son and any and every employee of any store I went to. Many of the moms would go for coffee, but I was never included. There was lunch play dates at the local McDonalds that I was not included in until one mom decided enough was enough. Her son and my son were best buddies in class so a friendship was born. Funny thing is that even though I was the one involved in creating the friendship every time she would call on the weekend for a play date she asked for my wife. After 2 years I have found I am a “Man Among Mommies.” Swim Lessons over the summer dozens of moms, grandmas and me. Library Classes a room full of moms and me. At Preschool a hallway full of moms and me. Organized park district classes a room full of moms and me. It goes on and on and I rarely see another dad at any of the classes. At stores during the day I get the comments like “Dads Stuck With the Kids Today”, “Dads Day Out” “Dad is Babysitting Today” most of the time I give a pleasant smile and say no everyday is daddies day. Now after 2 years of being at home I have found myself still a bit isolated, but ignored a bit less. I have found people I see on a regular basis have come to expect me to have the kids. The librarians are surprised when I come in without the boys, the greeter at the local big box always gives the extra hello to the boys and the PTO moms that run the local fundraisers are shocked if the boys are not with me. I may still be a bit isolated, but after two years I have seen the people that ignored me, chastised me or unwittingly made rude remarks see me as who I am, Dad. The feeling of isolation will probably not go away anytime soon, but that is a small price to pay for being Dad!
After 3 years I have found I am “A Man Among Mommies.” Everywhere I go and whatever I do it is Mommies and Me…
Todd - “A Man Among Mommies”
It is so funny to me that women totally disregard the idea that a man could possibly be a sahd or wahd. hellooo! My dad was a sahd for my sister and it was wonderful. He has/had the same experiences. I like to include dads in this situation when I see them. Of course part of that is because the whole “mommy scene” kind of scares me. All that estrogen in one place can be dangerous!! I will be visiting again!! - The Muddled!
Todd-
I myself have become an at-home dad recently. My wife and I realized we had the opportunity, and we jumped on it. I was working for the State of Illinois on the 3-11 shift (and WAY too much overtime, much of it mandated) and was afforded essentially about 30 minutes a day to see my boys. So as I said, we saw the opportunity and we ran with it. I am so lucky to have the opportunity.
What kills me is the perception that women that stay home are called homemakers, “domestic engineers”, and whatever else, but when men do it, they’re looked at as “unemployed lazy bums”. We have a couple “mommy” organizations in my area that don’t even allow men to join. One even told me by email that men simply “aren’t capable of behaving in the mature responsible manner in which their group requires”. When I asked exactly what THAT meant, the example was given that men can’t talk about breastfeeding without it becoming sexual or erotic in nature, let alone being able to speak from experience. Apparently, my wife having breastfed both of our kids doesn’t count for “experience”, even if only third-person. Sad.
I too have started a blog documenting my experiences, good and bad, as a stay-home dad. It’s not much at this point, granted, but hopefully I can make it a bit more interesting read. I discovered your site, among a surprisingly high number of others, by doing a Google search to try to get some “inspiration” for MY blog. Hopefully with your blessing, I have put a link to your blog on mine. I admire you and all men that are chipping away at the belief that men can’t be primary care givers for their own children. As goofy as this sounds, you are kind of a “hero” to me.
I will be back often to see what you have to say!
–John in Springfield, IL
aka “Johann”
P.S. A while back, I saw a “Man Among Mommies” t-shirt available for sale. Is that related to your site? If so, how can one get one? I wish I would have bookmarked it when I saw it, but I didn’t.
Thanks again and keep up the good work.
–Johann
Todd-
I kept looking in the mirror for my third eye. Most of the Moms you see ignore you and a few go out of their way to be nice, too nice. My wife and I made a joint choice for me to stay home. She makes more cash in her job and I have been able to write three books while home. Of course, I write from 5 AM to 7 AM and nap time, but people don’t understand that. I understand being the lone guy at library reading day, local kids museum, and the fast food play yard. I haven’t been downsized!!! I have been upgraded!!!
Bobby Mercer
Cute site Dad. Sorry those other moms leave you out! The nerve!
I feel your pain…..even though I am a woman. I’m known as the lady with all the kids. Most mommies that I run into, have the average 2.5 kids and find it very strange that I chose Domestic Engineering as my profession instead of being a lawyer or something. And I have yet to figure out just exactly why when I tell them that I have five kids that they suddenly take a step back away from me—as if I have something contagious and they don’t want to catch it. “Oh, you’re that lady…”
So chin up….I”m sure that you are doing a great job and I know that your kids are thankful daddy gets to stay at home with them.
I think it is awesome that you stay home with the kids. My wife wasn’t cut out for the corporate world, so she stays home with ours kids, but if she were the type that wanted a career I would gladly stay home with my kids. I’d work on my blog, design websites on the side, and even do the domestic stuff. I’m a surprisingly good cook, and I can clean a bathroom like nobody’s business! Geez, I felt like I was just writing a personal ad!
I’m really glad I found your site and have thoroughly enjoyed following along.
Just wanted to let you know I’ve included your site in my Links for Dads section of Discovering Dad.
I enjoy your site! Have a great week!